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FROM THE ARCHIVE: A small casket of gems for 'yall. |
¡APHORISMO! (It is a sure thing that the best-thumbed part of any writer's anthology will be the one devoted to his or her aphorisms, epigrams, mots justes, apercus, or apophtegms. Few of us read novels anymore, but everyone enjoys a fortune cookie. Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, and Mark Twain left impressive bodies of work, but are mainly known for their passing remarks on cynicism, horticulture, and obituaries. But 'twas ever thus. Readers were sound-byte gourmands well before the sloganeering of Madison Avenue fatally diminished the average attention span. With that in mind, I have taken the liberty of reproducing some of my own literary one-liners for your delectation. Copyright laws apply, but feel free to Fair Use.) • • • If you think marijuana is better for the brain than alcohol, compare the works of Tom Robbins to those of F. Scott Fitzgerald. • • • The difference between a great song and nearly any modern remake is the difference between your high-school girlfriend and a prostitute dressed up like your high-school girlfriend. • • • Danton and Robespierre called each other "citizen." Molotov and Isaac Babel were "comrades." Beware the brotherhood of man. • • • Today is the first day of the end of your life. • • • The hypernovel, like hyperglycemia, leads to unconsciousness. • • • From Edroso's Political Dictionary:
• • • The energy needs of America could be easily met by harnessing the power of its Founders spinning in their graves. • • • The best days can be ruined by a harsh word, the worst saved by a kind one. • • • The truest barometer of a city's commitment to culture is the condition of its public libraries. • • • Forget the famous half-full/half-empty glass. The real test of optimism is what you think of the fifty-percent divorce rate. • • • When life gives you lemons, take them back with the receipt and demand a full refund. • • • Susan Sontag's comments on the World Trade Center attacks would have been inoffensive had they been printed one month later. As it happened, she was like a guest at a funeral telling the grieving widow, "Hey, everybody dies." In tragedy, as in comedy, timing is everything. • • • It is dangerous to let anyone think he can make a fool of you -- especially if he can't really do it. The wolf knows he is supposed to slaughter sheep, and turns mean when one outwits him. • • • The fear of God is like the fear of anything else -- an impediment to understanding. • • • I can't join AA because their rules require that I apologize to everyone I offended while drunk. Most of them deserved it. |
