EPISODE 4: Integrity
first broadcast and © September 24, 2001

The boys meet for cocktails in Williamsburg.

CARLO: Jake, man, you're still going on tour, right?

JAKE: Yeah.

CARLO: And you have that show when you come back, the 29th at at Rubulad, right?

JAKE: Yeah.

CARLO: Well, listen, I was thinking I could like come down that night and set up my turntables and do some, like, subtle background mixes under a couple of songs. Whattaya say?

JAKE: What? No.

CARLO: Dude, I'll be real quiet. You'll hardly know I'm there.

JAKE: What?

DYLAN: I know what this is about.

CARLO: (to DYLAN) Shut up.

DYLAN: This is about that girl he met last week. He told her he was the "turntable-ist" in the band.

TREY: Oh, no. And she's coming to the show? Ha!

JAKE: What?

TREY: (to CARLO, laughing) Dude, you are so fucked.

CARLO: Jake, man, please.

DYLAN: He's not fucked -- he's UNfucked.

CARLO: (to JAKE) You don't even have to plug me in, I'll be like silent.

DYLAN: (to CARLO) You're so unfucked that, like, you know the last time you got fucked? It didn't count because you are that unfucked.

TREY: Ha ha! Good one, Dylan!

CARLO: (to JAKE) I'll pay you.

Pause.

JAKE: How much?

CARLO: Shit, I don't know. How much you want?

JAKE: A thousand dollars.

CARLO: A thousand dollars! I can't! I still have to buy the mixer!

JAKE: Fifty bucks.

CARLO: Done.

CARLO and JAKE shake hands, CARLO splits.

DYLAN: (to JAKE) You pussy.

TREY: (to JAKE) You sellout.

JAKE: What's a sellout?

TREY: What's a sellout? You -- you mean you don't even know what a sellout is?

JAKE: No, Mr. Writer Guy, I don't, so why don't you just tell me?

Pause.

DYLAN: Like Madonna doing that Microsoft ad.

JAKE: I like that song.

TREY: Hello? Like Brian Eno doing the startup noise for that old version of Windows.

JAKE: I like that, too. Sounds like Stereolab.

TREY: The fucking Who doing car commercials!

JAKE: So far all you guys are telling me about is shit I like.

TREY: (throws up his hands) Oh, balls! You're amoral, that's what you are.

JAKE: Oh, more big words from Mr. Big Words.

DYLAN: Jake, why are even you in the Dildos?

TREY: Yeah, man, what do the Dildos stand for?

JAKE: Stand for? Beer and pussy.

DYLAN: Yeah, but -- I mean -- Trey?

TREY: Okay, Jake, lemme tell you so you'll understand. These companies that buy these songs? They only buy them because the bands used to make people feel like they were different from those companies.

DYLAN: Like they were hardcore when Microsoft is so lame. So before you can sell out, you have to have, like -- uh --

TREY: Integrity.

DYLAN: Word.

TREY: If you're just like a slut from the beginning, you don't have any integrity, so who's gonna want to buy your shit? You have to be like rad first

DYLAN: Hey, Trey, this is kind of an ass-backwards argument --

TREY: Shut up. I think he's getting it.

JAKE: No, I really am. So first you get integrity, then you can be a sellout.

TREY: That's right.

DYLAN: Well, I guess, yeah.

JAKE: Like the Strokes.

TREY: Exactly.

DYLAN: The Strokes?

JAKE: Yeah. The guy's father owns a record company or something, but they dress like -- well, like me, and act a little skeevy, so they'll be hot, and then they have something to sell.

TREY: Buy this man a beer.

JAKE: Man, I'm glad I have you guys around to set me straight.

CARLO returns.

CARLO: Awright, Jake, I just came back from the cash machine. Here's sixty bucks, just gimme a ten back.

JAKE: I don't think so.

CARLO: What?

JAKE: I'm keeping the whole sixty. And you also have to buy me a beer. (looking at TREY and DYLAN) I got integrity, you know.

CARLO: Oh... okay.

DYLAN: (to TREY) I told you that was an ass-backwards way to put it.

TREY: Small victories, Dill.

CARLO: (to JAKE) So we're on, right? I can do this?

JAKE: I guess. But, Carlo, man -- can you do something about your hair?

NEXT WEEK: The boys meet for cocktails in Williamsburg.

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